It’s been a very long hiatus. Much has happened but that’s nothing new. I just didn’t have the motivation to write. Maybe I didn’t have any motivation left in me at all. Questioning lots of things. Getting frustrated. Feeling stuck (by my own devise). The body giving signals to slow down before derailment and me not acting upon it despite hearing the cries. One more day, one more week, next month. The same old cycle. After almost every two years.
For the past 1.5 months, been dealing with health issues which do not go away. The tests so far are clear.. which is good news & a blessing! Feels like one pain is related to another. With travel just around the corner (first since Jan 2020), I feel like I don’t have enough time to run from one doc to another to figure out the cause of my health issue. Been feeling exhausted, emotional, and like crying. The specialist I want to go to is not available till the day of my flight (tough luck). Now I have to find another one who’s good and will listen to me patiently. Compassion & competence. I have mad respect for doctors who give enough time to patients and listen to them. To me, that connection is the first step. Diagnostics & treatment follow it. I still remember my very first interaction with my GP. I was in so much pain that I ended up crying as she checked my throat. And she hugged me. I can never forget that human connection. She’s my GP to this day.
I know I am stressed. Work, future, life in general, and now health. It may not be a huge issue but it hasn’t resolved yet. That bugs me. I obsess about it. This downward spiral of stress & obsession is also nothing new. The health issue & stress combined give me a feeling of lightheadedness. You know what, writing all of it down may help. At least these thoughts are no longer going round & round in my head.. a never-ending cycle. Counting my blessings.. I try to.. whenever I feel positivity and, thankfully, there are periods of positivity in every day. Can’t thank my God enough for these times.
At this very moment, my head feels a bit lighter.. and my body feels at peace. Pakistan & Australia are starting the T20 Cricket World Cup Semi Final match. Honestly, I don’t want to hear anything about it. Too much emotional investment. Too much stress. For some it’s just a game. For others, it’s much more than that. Pakistanis fall under the second category.
One of my favorite poems is on my mind. Don’t know the poet as I read it on the cover of a letter pad that I had bought years ago. I made it a point to memorize it.
Lives are filled with happiness
When hearts are filled with love
Love brought you into my memory
Love brought you into my heart.
– Anonymous